Characters:
Tom, a middle-aged man in a suit and tie
Dick, a middle-aged man in white shirt and slacks
Harry, a middle-aged man with blue eyes, in jeans, striped short-sleeve shirt sporting a pocket protector, thick glasses and slicked back hair
Betty, pretty young blond with great legs, wearing a short white skirt, a pink pullover sweeter
Butch, Betty’s husband, a young tall and muscular man dressed in an army uniform
Several office workers, at least three women and a couple of men
ACT 1
Scene 1
An office lounge with a couple of tables, several chairs set around them, a coffee pot on a table and water fountain set to the left and back of center stage.
Lights come up with Betty bent over the water fountain in position, back to audience, drinking from the fountain. Tom, Dick and Harry (from right to left) clustered center stage. A group of women stand rear right chatting.
Tom: [Gazing at the backside of Betty.] Beautiful…
Dick: [Following his gaze.] Absolutely!
Harry: [Sighs audibly and glances back.] Absolutely beautiful.
[Betty turns and we see she is absolutely beautiful and quite pregnant as well. She walks over to chat with the girls.]
Tom: [Watching her then turning back to talk to Dick and Harry.] Oh God, what am I going to do?
Dick: You?
Harry: Why 'you' in particular?
Tom: [Pauses and considers.] Well, there was that time when we were stuck together in the elevator. I was comforting her and one thing lead to another and next thing you know, bang, right there, stuck between floors. I barely got my pants up before the lift started again and the doors opened.
Dick: So? What about the parking lot?
Harry: What about the parking lot?
Dick: The first time I helped her change a flat and out of gratitude we ended up in the back seat.
Tom: First time?
Dick: Yeah, the second time I let the air out on purpose.
Tom: [Feigning disgust.] For shame.
Harry: Disgusting! [Tom and Dick look inquiringly at Harry.] OK, OK, several times in the supply closet. I was helping her find ummm… things.
Tom: Several times?
Harry: Not all at once.
Dick: Disgusting. [They all look over at Betty and then turn back to each other.]
Tom: [Looking worried.] But it only takes once.
Dick: Twice doubles the odds.
Harry: [Clearly upset.] Oh God, what am I going to do?
Tom: You?
Dick: Why you?
Harry: Odds are.
Tom: It only takes once.
Dick: Or maybe twice.
Harry: Oh God!
[They watch as a young man starts walking from off stage right, and seeing Betty picks up pace and runs off stage left.]
Tom: Then too, it might not be any of us.
Dick: Could be anyone.
Harry: [Even more upset.] Oh God! Please don’t say that on my account.
Dick: Well it could be.
Harry: [Collecting himself.] I suppose, but what if it weren’t?
Tom: She told me her husband couldn’t, though they tried and tried…
Dick: And that they’d seen a specialist…
Harry: And how she wanted a baby more than anything else. She told you too?
Dick: About her husband in the army...
Tom: And needing something more...
Harry: A child! [Pauses and looks at Betty.] Oh God, have you seen the guy?
Dick: Her husband?
Harry: [Nods.]
Tom: He’s big.
Dick: And mean looking.
Tom: Like he could rip someone apart with his bare hands.
Dick: A total ape.
Tom: Capable of anything.
Harry: Oh no…
Tom: Just once.
Dick: Or twice. [They both look at Harry and then back at each other.]
Tom: Oh Shit!
Dick: Sweet Jesus!
Harry: Oh God!
[Fade lights.]
Act 1
Scene 2
Setting is the same with the exception of an easel with bright balloons floating strung from it and written on paper in large bold letters, the words: “Congratulations Butch and Betty!”
Lights come up with Tom, Dick and Harry; cigars in hand, clustered center stage. To the left and rear Butch stands with Betty who holds a wrapped baby. Office girls are gathered to admire and chat.
Harry: Did you see it.
Dick: A boy.
Tom: He's got your ears Dick.
Dick: Your eyes Harry.
Harry: [Baby cries.] Tom's mouth.
Tom: [Looking angrily at Harry] You’re mistaken; his mouth bears a distinct resemblance to yours.
Dick: [Smiling wryly at Harry] And his ears look nothing like mine, but he does have your blue eyes.
Tom: Don’t all babies have blue eyes?
Harry: [Looks desperately at Dick.] Please, tell me they do! [Baby cries and they all peer over at the group.] Oh God, please tell me.
Dick: Yes that’s my understanding too.
Harry: [Brings his hands together as in prayer.] Thank you, thank you, thank you…
Dick: But that doesn’t mean they won’t stay blue.
Harry: [With hands still together and closing his eyes tightly.] Oh God, Sweet Jesus, Oh God.
Tom: Or that they necessarily will.
Harry: [Opens and rolls eyes.] So maybe yes, maybe no? [He closes his eyes in prayer muttering as Tom and Dick speak.] Oh please no, oh please no…
Tom: [Considering.] Yes.
Dick: [Looking at Harry and smiling.] Or no...
Harry: [Opening his eyes again.] Maybe?
Dick: [Smiling at Tom.] It only takes once.
Tom: [Frowning then grinning at Dick.] You could double your chances.
Harry: [Looking dejected.] Odds are then…
[They all three watch as a young man starts walking from off stage left and slows seeing Betty, Butch and the baby, then picks up his pace and runs off stage left.]
Tom: It only takes once.
Dick: Just one time.
Harry: Oh, God.
[Betty and Butch wave to the group of office girls and walk over to where the trio stands.]
Betty: [Turning the baby for them to look at and gather around] Hi boys, so what do you think of little Butch junior?
Tom: He has his father’s ears.
Dick: His father’s eyes.
Harry: [Baby cries] His father’s... [Butch gives him a stern look.], lungs. [Butch smiles.]
Betty: [Gently hands the crying infant to Butch.] Here honey.
Butch: [Cradles the infant and rocks it as Tom, Dick and Harry look on intently. The baby stops crying and after a pause.] I think he looks just like his beautiful mother.
Betty: [Looks lovingly into Butch’s eyes and kisses him, then speaks to Tom, Dick and Harry still looking at the baby.] And his father…
[Betty and Butch slowly walk off stage.]
Tom: [Looking distantly at the audience.] Honestly though, I think he does have my ears.
Dick: [Joining Tom in his gaze.] And did you see his eyes? They look just like mine did when I was a child.
Harry: [Looks at both of them, then at the audience, he rolls his eyes, shakes his head and says in an unbelieving voice.] Oh God!
[Fade lights.]
###
Lights come up with Betty bent over the water fountain in position, back to audience, drinking from the fountain. Tom, Dick and Harry (from right to left) clustered center stage. A group of women stand rear right chatting.
Tom: [Gazing at the backside of Betty.] Beautiful…
Dick: [Following his gaze.] Absolutely!
Harry: [Sighs audibly and glances back.] Absolutely beautiful.
[Betty turns and we see she is absolutely beautiful and quite pregnant as well. She walks over to chat with the girls.]
Tom: [Watching her then turning back to talk to Dick and Harry.] Oh God, what am I going to do?
Dick: You?
Harry: Why 'you' in particular?
Tom: [Pauses and considers.] Well, there was that time when we were stuck together in the elevator. I was comforting her and one thing lead to another and next thing you know, bang, right there, stuck between floors. I barely got my pants up before the lift started again and the doors opened.
Dick: So? What about the parking lot?
Harry: What about the parking lot?
Dick: The first time I helped her change a flat and out of gratitude we ended up in the back seat.
Tom: First time?
Dick: Yeah, the second time I let the air out on purpose.
Tom: [Feigning disgust.] For shame.
Harry: Disgusting! [Tom and Dick look inquiringly at Harry.] OK, OK, several times in the supply closet. I was helping her find ummm… things.
Tom: Several times?
Harry: Not all at once.
Dick: Disgusting. [They all look over at Betty and then turn back to each other.]
Tom: [Looking worried.] But it only takes once.
Dick: Twice doubles the odds.
Harry: [Clearly upset.] Oh God, what am I going to do?
Tom: You?
Dick: Why you?
Harry: Odds are.
Tom: It only takes once.
Dick: Or maybe twice.
Harry: Oh God!
[They watch as a young man starts walking from off stage right, and seeing Betty picks up pace and runs off stage left.]
Tom: Then too, it might not be any of us.
Dick: Could be anyone.
Harry: [Even more upset.] Oh God! Please don’t say that on my account.
Dick: Well it could be.
Harry: [Collecting himself.] I suppose, but what if it weren’t?
Tom: She told me her husband couldn’t, though they tried and tried…
Dick: And that they’d seen a specialist…
Harry: And how she wanted a baby more than anything else. She told you too?
Dick: About her husband in the army...
Tom: And needing something more...
Harry: A child! [Pauses and looks at Betty.] Oh God, have you seen the guy?
Dick: Her husband?
Harry: [Nods.]
Tom: He’s big.
Dick: And mean looking.
Tom: Like he could rip someone apart with his bare hands.
Dick: A total ape.
Tom: Capable of anything.
Harry: Oh no…
Tom: Just once.
Dick: Or twice. [They both look at Harry and then back at each other.]
Tom: Oh Shit!
Dick: Sweet Jesus!
Harry: Oh God!
[Fade lights.]
Act 1
Scene 2
Setting is the same with the exception of an easel with bright balloons floating strung from it and written on paper in large bold letters, the words: “Congratulations Butch and Betty!”
Lights come up with Tom, Dick and Harry; cigars in hand, clustered center stage. To the left and rear Butch stands with Betty who holds a wrapped baby. Office girls are gathered to admire and chat.
Harry: Did you see it.
Dick: A boy.
Tom: He's got your ears Dick.
Dick: Your eyes Harry.
Harry: [Baby cries.] Tom's mouth.
Tom: [Looking angrily at Harry] You’re mistaken; his mouth bears a distinct resemblance to yours.
Dick: [Smiling wryly at Harry] And his ears look nothing like mine, but he does have your blue eyes.
Tom: Don’t all babies have blue eyes?
Harry: [Looks desperately at Dick.] Please, tell me they do! [Baby cries and they all peer over at the group.] Oh God, please tell me.
Dick: Yes that’s my understanding too.
Harry: [Brings his hands together as in prayer.] Thank you, thank you, thank you…
Dick: But that doesn’t mean they won’t stay blue.
Harry: [With hands still together and closing his eyes tightly.] Oh God, Sweet Jesus, Oh God.
Tom: Or that they necessarily will.
Harry: [Opens and rolls eyes.] So maybe yes, maybe no? [He closes his eyes in prayer muttering as Tom and Dick speak.] Oh please no, oh please no…
Tom: [Considering.] Yes.
Dick: [Looking at Harry and smiling.] Or no...
Harry: [Opening his eyes again.] Maybe?
Dick: [Smiling at Tom.] It only takes once.
Tom: [Frowning then grinning at Dick.] You could double your chances.
Harry: [Looking dejected.] Odds are then…
[They all three watch as a young man starts walking from off stage left and slows seeing Betty, Butch and the baby, then picks up his pace and runs off stage left.]
Tom: It only takes once.
Dick: Just one time.
Harry: Oh, God.
[Betty and Butch wave to the group of office girls and walk over to where the trio stands.]
Betty: [Turning the baby for them to look at and gather around] Hi boys, so what do you think of little Butch junior?
Tom: He has his father’s ears.
Dick: His father’s eyes.
Harry: [Baby cries] His father’s... [Butch gives him a stern look.], lungs. [Butch smiles.]
Betty: [Gently hands the crying infant to Butch.] Here honey.
Butch: [Cradles the infant and rocks it as Tom, Dick and Harry look on intently. The baby stops crying and after a pause.] I think he looks just like his beautiful mother.
Betty: [Looks lovingly into Butch’s eyes and kisses him, then speaks to Tom, Dick and Harry still looking at the baby.] And his father…
[Betty and Butch slowly walk off stage.]
Tom: [Looking distantly at the audience.] Honestly though, I think he does have my ears.
Dick: [Joining Tom in his gaze.] And did you see his eyes? They look just like mine did when I was a child.
Harry: [Looks at both of them, then at the audience, he rolls his eyes, shakes his head and says in an unbelieving voice.] Oh God!
[Fade lights.]
###
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